Library Day with the Kids

Today we went to story time at our local library. Our librarian is a fantastic woman who encourages strong readers, and it's always so much fun to hear her read them stories. James, Vannah, and I listened while Layla and Mare-Mare scoured the shelves for new editions to take home.
I surprised Layla with her own library card today. She was very excited, and I'm happy for her. She is currently reading through the "Seekers" series, so she checked 3 of those out with her new card.
Now we are back home playing and resting quietly after lunch.

My Unfortunate Bus Accident

On November 18, 2016, I was involved in a bus accident. Because there is a state case pending, I will not go into detail about the accident. What I will discuss, however, are my feelings surrounding it. Terrifying is the only word that seems adequate to me. I had an accident. Nothing was intentional about what happened. But I am terrified about what could happen now. This accident made national news. I find it devastating that CBS and other newsrooms, some from as far away as California, would be messaging me and calling me.

Several young people - some that I have known for quite a while and who I enjoyed being around - were injured in the accident. I am so concerned about them and their future, in addition to my own. What will happen if I am removed from my home? My children will grow up without a mother. My children will be viewed differently if their mother is in prison. What if this affects them psychologically? This also terrifies me.

What if I can never drive a bus again? Has all the trust I have worked hard to earn been shattered? I am passionate about being a bus driver. I truly enjoy it. I enjoy driving and talking with my students. It terrifies me to think that my students may no longer want me to drive them.

I am a Type A personality who likes to follow the rules. You tell me what to do and that's what I'll do. So I'm terrified that people think that I intentionally broke all kinds of rules to make this happen. That is not something I am capable of doing. I don't want people to even think that.

My family will most likely go into debt just trying to help me. I am terrified to think that I will never be able to pay back these debts. As a driver, I get $12k a year, pre-tax. My bond was $50k (we owed 10% or $5k to the bondsman), and a lawyer will also cost thousands more. How is a bus driver supposed to afford that? I am so thankful for the family that has reached out to help me with these costs. I am now trying to get a retainer fee together so I can hire an attorney experienced in this type of law so I can get the legal advice I need.

That's where I am now. Breaking down my pride and asking for help. If you know me at all, you should have some questions about this whole ordeal. This does not make sense to anyone who knows me. I hope that I have proven myself enough for my friends to be able to want to help.

Unfortunately, I need financial help. I'm praying that we can get enough help without having to hurt our family's financial situations even more than I already have. I'm praying that God will restore all that has been sacrificed for me. I'm praying that once my legal issues are resolved, I will then be able to move forward with my family. I pray that one day, we can put this behind us. My concerns are for the kids on the bus, for my children and family, and lastly for myself. 

I hope to be able to start journaling more. It actually felt therapeutic today, and maybe it will help me deal with other areas in my life. And I hope it helps others around me feel better, too.

Thank you so much for bearing with me. I did not know that I had such caring friends and colleagues.

Blogging is a weakness of mine...

I just don't have time to blog successfully. I don't journal. I even changed to a lazy journaling style where I simply add a week's schedule at a time to keep updated on what is going on. The feelings posted in my bullet journal are far and few in between. So I guess you could say that is another weakness--I hide my feelings.

But I have lots of feelings lately and lots of people saying that I need to share my story. What's a story? I would say a lot of emotion mixed with a bit of fact. Anyone can write something, especially online, and call it true. I could fool you into believing almost anything I want. Is that right, is that honest? Not at all, but it sure does feed one's ego and feelings. My life has been turbulent in the last few years, and I will try to explain it the best way I can. What you make of it is completely up to you. My story will undoubtedly hurt some feelings, as well. But what I can promise is that these are MY feelings. This is MY story of what I have been through. And it won't always be pretty.